I’ve been watching a lot of Sesame Street since my cable got cut off; so today’s post is brought to you by the letter ‘H’.
Being stood up isn’t such a bad thing. If you always look on the bright side of life, you never feel the urge to experiment with making toast while taking a bath.
#1) Hygiene Heroics.
Are you a knock-knock joke written for a five year old? No! Then why are you so squeaky clean jelly bean? It is 10:00PM on a Saturday night and you smell so good it is like a Hugo Boss model farted on your clothes. Your teeth are freshly brushed and it’s not even the morning! And you didn’t just eat a a whole bunch of celery. We all know celery is just for women with body issues and so businesses can make a profit by selling veggie platters.
Feel that cool, refreshing breeze on your crotch? Down there is Mr. Clean bald because of the girl who stood you up, thank her! Look at yourself, there is no chance you would have shaved your baby makers when all you had on your to-do list was just to order pizza and lie in the bathtub crying.
Listen pal, you may be bummed that your date didn’t show, but chin up! You’re the cleanest dude in world right now. While everyone else on earth is reserving teeth brushing for mornings and special nights on the town, your pearly whites are clean and ready for a night on the couch. You smell great after using your ex-girlfriend’s body butter and your hair (and crotch) is perfect for Omegeling until 5AM.
#2) Hotel-clean Home.
Being the good Boy Scout you are, you knew to be prepared. In the rare chance that everything went well tonight (translation: some poor girl made a very big mistake fueled by her daddy issues and too much Hypnotic), you wanted your home to look its best. You emptied your ashtrays, collected all the crusty balled-up socks around your apartment, made your bed and you even did the bacteria coated dishes that had been in your sink for weeks. Tonight, your pad could be featured in a home and garden magazine you metro-sexual you.
Get pumped! Your house is super clean now buddy. It is the perfect t location for you to reflect on how shitty of a person you are and what it will be like to die alone. Like I always say, a clean house is the best place to research what kind of cat you should get. Loser!
#3) Happy Ending.
You’re clean, your home is begging for it and yet even if you were on a date right now there would be so many variables dick-tating (yeah I did that) whether you get dirty tonight. Don’t deny it, you’ve seen books written in braille that are smoother than you are. Let’s face the facts here; had your date shown up, you probably were not getting laid anyway.
Good news! Now you’re alone tonight and your internet works. You know what means don’t you? You’re getting some, bro! Tonight will be all about you, hands down. It’ll be like sex an ex who knows everything you like. The only difference; you don’t have to hear her life-sucking stories or wear a condom. Tonight you get to go fuck yourself. Which really, is pretty much what your date told you do.
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Josh Haddon 