I’ve been a bachelor for four months. One month into my bachelorism I ran out of toilet paper. Since then, I have decided not to feed into the propaganda that toilet paper is an essential part of every household’s basic requirements. As a bachelor, it is clear to me that if you buy toilet paper as a single man, you are doing it wrong.
Here is what is awesome about living a toilet paper free lifestyle.
Your hygiene skyrockets!
When I use ‘the john’ (or ‘the jane’ for the feminists out there) I have to shower immediately after in order to not have clingers back there. I’m not friends with fiber so I generally only need this type of relief when I wake up; This makes showering after the dirty deed no inconvenience at all. If later on in the day I need to say goodbye to Old El Paso, I just do my business and have a shower. It’s like a beautiful big bidet. For this, I am cleaner than you, hands down (pun intended).
Toilet paper is bad for the environment.
When I started writing this post I thought it was just a sad and funny truth of how terrible I am at being a human. Turns out, a quick punch into Google proves that at least Allen Hershkowitz, senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council agrees with me that toilet paper is bad for the environment,
“Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution.” –Hershkowitz
On top of this, Greepeace is also on board with the anti-tee-pee sentiment and have been attacking the ‘luxury’ toilet paper brands for their reckless abuse of virgins. Ease up on the abuse of virgin wood, would ya?
No one wants to marry you.
You have probably been wondering what guests do when they come over to my house. First of all, generally the only guests that come to my house are of the female persuasion, and we all know girls don’t poop – especially when they are about to sleep with a dude, so all good there. If she has to tinkle, there is a roll of paper towel beside the toilet.
What’s great about this is that even though you are charming, pushing thirty years of age, are successful and have good hygiene, no woman wants to even think of having a relationship with someone who doesn’t even buy toilet paper. The long term relationship repellent that is a side-effect of not having toilet paper in your home is ancillary to being cleaner and saving the planet.
Happy Holidays! Get in some corn in ya.
Dumpity dump dump. Dumpity dump dump. Look at Frosty go!